Elizabeth re: abusive relationships.

I have a problem.

I’m a Leafs fan. I’m a Microsoft enthusiast. And I can’t bring myself to delete my Facebook account.

Apparently, abusive relationships are my forte. I’m sorry, mom. You did your best.

I went into this blog post with every intention of telling you why you should break up with Facebook and graduate to higher forms of social media. What with all the sketchy privacy policy nonsense and Zuckerberg eternally playing the “Privacy Doesn’t Exist on the Internet” card,  people should be fleeing in hordes from the almighty Facebook. But we’re not. Suddenly every Facebook user has morphed into a typical Canadian: I’ll complain about this ’til the dogs come home, but I ain’t doin’ shit about it.

When the doubt started to dawn on me, I frantically began scouring the internet for reasons to go through with deleting my account. Not surprisingly, Gizmodo came swiftly to my rescue, like my Onion Knight in shining fire armor. For much the same reason that I hate Apple and Steve Jobs (for conspiring to take over the world), Gizmodo cites that the Zuck’s ultimate goal is to own the Internet. lolwut?

Aim high, young Padawan. Aim high.

Anyone else remember the good old days of a youthful Facebook, when it was original and simple and uncluttered? Add a friend, make an event, join a group, write on a wall — the ancient practices of yesteryear that have been all but washed out by fake farms and pseudo gang warfare. I find myself letting out a long, nostalgic sigh when I think about the year 2006, when Facebook was brand new to me. I loved it. Everything was rainbows and daisies and shiny like new love tends to be. But, as it often does with love, the novelty faded. It became less of a “want” and more of a “need” to log in every day. Wake up in the morning, rush to the computer, fall to the floor curled up, shivering in the fetal position when you discover you have no new notifications (other than that stupid, fat kid you felt bad for in high school who “likes” every single fucking thing you do.) “Why oh why,” you ask yourself. “Why is my wall and inbox and life so empty?” You’re constantly toggled “offline” so people won’t catch on to your problem.

Just breathe.

Remember this: Facebook doesn’t owe us anything. It’s a free “service” whose interests clearly lay in internet marketing and not in social networking. We don’t pay to be there. We don’t *need* to be there. Like Dan Yoder says, the internet is chock-full of other social media outlets for you to enjoy without having to worry about all the shit that goes along with having a Facebook account. And Zuck knows this. In fact, I bet he’s shaking in his awkward, sweaty Harvard U panties right now. Zuck knows the end is nigh. Facebook’s younger, hotter sister (Twitter) just filled out and people are starting to notice. Why else are we seeing things like “sharing” on Facebook, something eerily similar to a retweet? It’s okay, Facebook. MySpace is waiting for you with a shoulder to cry on.

What’s funny is that six years ago — this was MySpace.

“Have we forgotten about MySpace? Oh, right. We have.”

Case and point. Facebook and Zuckerberg will fade out, and we’ll all be laughing at this in a few years. Farmville and every other useless Facebook application like it will be but a crusted old stain on the lapel of human history. So, delete your account, don’t delete your account. It doesn’t matter. It’s only a matter of time before the Zuck Empire falls and people get over it. It will happen. We’ll all learn to embrace higher, simpler forms of social media and networking. And we’ll all be better people for it.

Now excuse me while I go snort a line of Crackbook.