An open letter to Apple and its children

My dearest Apple kids,

I know my tweets and things I’ve said and written in the past may suggest otherwise, but you should know that I harbour no hatred or hostility towards you.

…Okay, so that’s a lie.

You drive me insane. All of you.  And I’d sure love to chop your fearless leader down a couple of sizes, steal his New Balance sneakers, and shove them directly up his greedy, pretentious ass. Sans lubrication.

But I don’t hate you. I said once that I needed to write a blues song and call it ‘All My Friends are Apple Kids.’ It would be enough to make a grown man cry. I know this because of how much it pains me having to simultaneously love you and deal with your endless conversion tactics –covert or otherwise.

“Come,” you say. “Join us on the dark side.” You’ve got top quality products. You’re innovative. You’re blazing a trail; changing the world; revolutionizing the Internet. You’re transforming the way technology enhances our lives. You. Just. Work.

Well, you know, that’s all fine and dandy, but…here’s the thing. I don’t disagree with anything you’re telling me. And before I elaborate on that, let me tell you something: this is the difference between you (Apple kid) and me (Everything But Apple kid.)  I know Microsoft kinda sucks. I get that RIM is totally boring and is evading the App train like the plague. And maybe a MacBook Pro is heavier than a Dell laptop because Apple doesn’t fill their computers with ‘candy corn’ like Microsoft does. I acknowledge and admit these things. You guys? Well! Apple could do no wrong even if they tried.

Back to what I was saying about agreeing with you. Please don’t have a coronary. I know you’re more accustomed to fending off evil MS Rebels with your unwavering allegiance, but please relax and listen.

You’re right. Your products are awesome insofar as innovation goes. The iPad is a super cool product (yes, Jason Snell. My foot tastes fantastic right now. Thanks for asking). The iPhone has set the bar for what people want in a smartphone (sort of). The iPod revolutionized portable music for everyone. The Mac has proven a hardy adversary against the almighty PC.

As nice as that all is, I’m still not going to buy your products. Would you like to know why?

Say it with me:

OPEN. SOURCE.

For real, yo. Just quit it with all the exclusivity horse shit. Stop chaining your customers to iTunes. Stop trying to eliminate Flash. And for the love of all that is holy, if your customers want to upgrade from a 16GB iPod to a 64GB, they shouldn’t have to buy a whole new iPod. Throw them a fucking SD slot or something! Is it really that hard? That’s all you’d have to do to convert me. That, and stop i-ing everything. It used to be cute, but now it’s just egomaniacal and pretentious. Please stop.

Just consider the possibilities. Think of the potential customers Apple could gain. Open up and let the rest of the world in. Simplicity and compatibility are your friends — not your enemies. Take a breather from your aspiring world domination. Quit fighting the existing norms and start using them to your advantage. The prospects are endless.

Let me love you, Apple. I want to. So badly. But I also need to be able to sleep at night.

Until this unlikely day, I’ll continue to suffer the trials and tribulations of Windows and BlackBerry.

“We’ll be waiting for you, Elle,” you always tell me.

No, Apple. I’m waiting for you.

Elizabeth re: abusive relationships.

I have a problem.

I’m a Leafs fan. I’m a Microsoft enthusiast. And I can’t bring myself to delete my Facebook account.

Apparently, abusive relationships are my forte. I’m sorry, mom. You did your best.

I went into this blog post with every intention of telling you why you should break up with Facebook and graduate to higher forms of social media. What with all the sketchy privacy policy nonsense and Zuckerberg eternally playing the “Privacy Doesn’t Exist on the Internet” card,  people should be fleeing in hordes from the almighty Facebook. But we’re not. Suddenly every Facebook user has morphed into a typical Canadian: I’ll complain about this ’til the dogs come home, but I ain’t doin’ shit about it.

When the doubt started to dawn on me, I frantically began scouring the internet for reasons to go through with deleting my account. Not surprisingly, Gizmodo came swiftly to my rescue, like my Onion Knight in shining fire armor. For much the same reason that I hate Apple and Steve Jobs (for conspiring to take over the world), Gizmodo cites that the Zuck’s ultimate goal is to own the Internet. lolwut?

Aim high, young Padawan. Aim high.

Anyone else remember the good old days of a youthful Facebook, when it was original and simple and uncluttered? Add a friend, make an event, join a group, write on a wall — the ancient practices of yesteryear that have been all but washed out by fake farms and pseudo gang warfare. I find myself letting out a long, nostalgic sigh when I think about the year 2006, when Facebook was brand new to me. I loved it. Everything was rainbows and daisies and shiny like new love tends to be. But, as it often does with love, the novelty faded. It became less of a “want” and more of a “need” to log in every day. Wake up in the morning, rush to the computer, fall to the floor curled up, shivering in the fetal position when you discover you have no new notifications (other than that stupid, fat kid you felt bad for in high school who “likes” every single fucking thing you do.) “Why oh why,” you ask yourself. “Why is my wall and inbox and life so empty?” You’re constantly toggled “offline” so people won’t catch on to your problem.

Just breathe.

Remember this: Facebook doesn’t owe us anything. It’s a free “service” whose interests clearly lay in internet marketing and not in social networking. We don’t pay to be there. We don’t *need* to be there. Like Dan Yoder says, the internet is chock-full of other social media outlets for you to enjoy without having to worry about all the shit that goes along with having a Facebook account. And Zuck knows this. In fact, I bet he’s shaking in his awkward, sweaty Harvard U panties right now. Zuck knows the end is nigh. Facebook’s younger, hotter sister (Twitter) just filled out and people are starting to notice. Why else are we seeing things like “sharing” on Facebook, something eerily similar to a retweet? It’s okay, Facebook. MySpace is waiting for you with a shoulder to cry on.

What’s funny is that six years ago — this was MySpace.

“Have we forgotten about MySpace? Oh, right. We have.”

Case and point. Facebook and Zuckerberg will fade out, and we’ll all be laughing at this in a few years. Farmville and every other useless Facebook application like it will be but a crusted old stain on the lapel of human history. So, delete your account, don’t delete your account. It doesn’t matter. It’s only a matter of time before the Zuck Empire falls and people get over it. It will happen. We’ll all learn to embrace higher, simpler forms of social media and networking. And we’ll all be better people for it.

Now excuse me while I go snort a line of Crackbook.